A Dialog Between Bush and Chertoff

Chertoff: Mr. President, I regret having to pull you away from your busy schedule but there is something I must share with you.

Bush: More indigestion?

Chertoff: Yes. Maybe an ulcer, but that’s not why I called. I’m afraid we have received some intelligence…

Bush: Yea right!!!!!

Chertoff: No, let me finish… I’m afraid we have received some intelligence, real intelligence, of a startling nature.

Bush: The oil? It’s not the oil is it?

Chertoff: No, the oil is ok.

Bush: Well what is it Cherty?

Chertoff: This photograph sir.

Update: During Bush’s colonoscopy Pelosi will be in charge!

Although it was originally announced that the powers of the presidency will be transferred to Cheney for approximately 2.5 hours during Bush’s scheduled colonoscopy Saturday, the White House has now announced that Nancy Pelosi will actually be assuming the doodies… excuse me… duties. This change occurred after it was realized that a colonoscopy is an exam of Bush’s asshole, who of course is Dick Cheney. Doctor’s commented that the procedure will defiantly take longer than the 2.5 hours they originally estimated because, and I quote, “Cheney is the biggest asshole we’ve ever seen”.

John Glenn Rivers
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Sick 0hhhh! My Feelings after seeing Michael Moore’s Sicko

Besides half of a $6 diet coke and gum on my shoe, with what did I walk away from Michael Moore’s Sicko? I learned that insurance companies can drop your coverage at any time if, on your initial application, you failed to mention any previous suffering of major illnesses or serious diseases (like a yeast infection). In fact, hold on a minute….

I’m back. I just burned my receipts from that brief time in 1989 when Preparation H was my best friend.

I also learned that in other countries, doctors respond to house calls in cars with lights and sirens! Although I did hear that Pamela Anderson’s OBGYN provides her with this service, for the most part this is unheard of.

I think what I really left the theater with was a feeling that, as a member of the greatest country in the world, it is easy to forget that we can still learn something from others, even those whose ideologies we do not agree with as a whole. I also left with a fear that many people will not see this movie because they do not agree with the ideologies of Michael Moore or his previous film Fahrenheit 9/11. Remember, even a broken clock is right twice a day (unless it’s digital or broken so badly it no longer resembles a clock at all).

John Glenn Rivers
sicko

The Reason For Bush Secrecy: The American Disabilities Act of 1990!

Members of the media are insinuating, and disgruntled democrats are screaming that all of the secrecy surrounding George W. is an attempt to cover up his administration’s wrong doing. Am I the only one that can see that he is not trying to cover up violations of the law, but is in fact trying to avoid breaking the law? No, not the law of reason, the American Disabilities Act of 1990, which was signed into law by George W. himself.

You see, in 2004, the EEOC stated that “The American Disabilities Act prohibits employers from disclosing medical information about applicants and employers. If Bush broke his silence and explained that the White House was one of the largest employers of persons with disabilities, and that those disabilities are responsible for their behavior, he would in fact be breaking the law. Now you understand!

It is obvious that Scooter Libby has terminal amnesia, which it is rumored he developed in grade school while being hit in the head as many times as a boy named Scooter would be. Another speculation is that he received it following a Vice Presidential back-hand when he initially refused to “out” Valerie Plame.

Our Attorney General is doing an outstanding job for someone suffering such an early onset of Alzheimer’s. Alberto Gonzales, if your reading this, I’m referring to you. Don’t worry, we will encourage you and help you face your disability. I have sent you a video tape to play every morning. It explains who you are, gives you directions to your place of employment and has an audio clip of an unknown speaker reading The Writ of Habeas Corpus (I tried to get a recording performed by Sean Hannity but when contacted, he stated he had never heard it).

Although it is probably no longer a secret, Dick Cheney is also suffering from a severe disability, an extraordinary case of Multiple Personality Disorder. One personality believes it is a member of the Executive Branch, one the Legislative Branch, and one actually believes himself to be THE President of the United States.

These patriots stand as examples for all people as proof that you can do anything you want, and I do mean ANYTHING you want, despite your disabilities. However, the most inspirational of this administration is the President himself. Possibly afflicted by the trauma incurred during his service as a National Guardsman in the Vietnam War, this man has been able to lead America to a better day, despite IQ Dwarfism, Political Attention Deficit Disorder, a severe speech impediment, and Decider-ism. May God bless George W. Bush!

Now that we understand the reason behind the secrecy of this administration, lets respect their medical privacy, quit asking questions, and let them continue the jobs they are doing to the best of THEIR abilities.

John Glenn Rivers
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